It's been a while...

I'm sorry to those of who keeping checking here for updates.  I had a rough time with the surgeries, and I really didn't feel like posting anything.  The good news is I'm back to work and feeling pretty good.

Here's the scoop...
I developed an infection about two weeks after the first surgery, but I was able to rid myself of it with antibiotics and wound flushes.  I was going along okay, and the wound was mostly healed until one night I developed terrible chills, a fever, and incredible weakness.  The next day the doctor put me in the hospital and pumped IV antibiotics into me.  By the following day, he decided I wasn't going to get better if he didn't take out the tissue expander (the thing holding a place for my boob impant).  So that evening, I went under the knife again and came out with a size nothing on the left and my regular C on the right.  The expander was covered with infection.  Evidently, there was tiny hole in the alloderm (the covering over the expander), and the topical infection made its way into my body.  I was really bumbed for a few days, but I got over it.  Now I'm fine.  I almost wish he had taken both of them so I would at least be even.  I kinda' walk tilted to the right now...just kidding!  :-)  In a year or so, I may investigate getting an implant with another type of surgery.

So, where am I now?  In the home stretch!  I started my radiation treatments on Monday; the final leg in my treatment journey.  I'm zapped everyday for 35 workdays, and then I'm done.  Hopefully, there will be no cancer left when it's over.  After reading my last CT scan, the docs thought I had a couple lymph nodes with cancer left in them.  They said it was hard to tell since the CT was taken soon after surgery.  The pictures could be showing stuff other than cancer floating around.  It's okay - I'll get those evil bastards!  Every time the machine zaps, I fighters my fighters kicking cancer's ass!

Otherwise, I'm still tired most of the time, but not so tired I can't function.  I'm back to work doing mostly part time days.  I'm working back up to full time.  It's great to be out of my house and back to the land of the living (and the odd...this is NOAA, you know).  :-)

Charlotte has had a fantastic summer thanks to Grandma, Pop, and rest of the fam.  She's talking in sentences and asserting her independence.  She's also becomming quite an affectionate little girl and has developed a definite fondness for her stuffed animals, especially Ernie and Burt.

Several of you, who don't see me often, have asked me to post a picture with the short hair.  See below.  It's a picture my sister-in-law took of Charlotte and I on the beach in Delaware one evening before my second surgery.  I'm really loving the short (albeit gray!) hair (it's even shorter than when I was in high school!) and plan to keep a short style for a while.  What can you do when your oncologist walks into the room and exclaims, "You look 10 years younger with that hairstyle!"  Gotta keep it!

Love to you all!

In a holding pattern

So, far, it does look like I'm beating the "low to medium" odds of keeping the expander.  My doc seems fairly surprised, actually.  I have one stubborn spot on the incision line that is healing slowly, but at least it's healing.  Every time time I see the doc, he says "Monday (or Thursday, depending on the day of the week) will be the deciding day."  That mantra has seen me through one Monday and two Thursdays so far.  Ha ha ha!  At least he hasn't thrown me in the hospital yet.
I have to wait until the incision is completely healed before the doc can start expanding my boob.  I can't wait to see how he does it - I bet it's a riot!  I have a mental image of him vigorously pumping a bicycle pump up and down as my boob expands like a pool raft.  LOL!

Sometime after the expansion starts the radiation process.  But time is running out...we are supposed to leave for Hawaii (Kauai, exactly) on October 29th.  If we wait anymore than two weeks to start the expansion, our trip is history.  I thought I would finish the process in plenty of time to go to Hawaii.  Whaa, whaa, whaa (me crying like a baby)!!!

Other than going to the doc and taking care of my uncooperative boob, I've been spending a lot of time staring at the four walls.  I have gotten out of the house a little more this week (some shopping for Charlotte, a brief visit to the pool, lunch), and I've started some exercising again.  All I can do is walk and do the exercises to regain full use of my left arm.  I can't stretch it out completely above my head or down to the floor.  In reality, my whole body has become somewhat inflexible from laying and sitting around.  That kills me.  I hate having tight muscles.  I was no where near as flexible as I was as a teenager, but I was still doing ok pre-surgery.  I've also been spending lots of time with Charlotte.  :-)

And I'm not wearing my wig anymore.  I get some odd looks from people who don't realize short hair is back in style.  Really, it is.  I heard it on TV or read it on some inane website.  Hee hee hee.  I definitely have the salt and pepper look going.  My hair seems to be coming in much darker right now,with noticeable grey, and it's very soft like baby hair.  This is the first regrowth.  I've heard the hair often changes back to normal over time.  I actually like short hair, but I have a very small head.  It's not lumpy or oddly-shaped, but it's small for my body.  Maybe I just need to make my body smaller to match it.  :-)

Well, that didn't happen

What didn't happen?  I was a complete wuss and couldn't irrigate my wound.  I can give myself shots, but I can't clean out a gaping opening in my chest.  Imagine that?!  What are docs thinking, really?  There's a reason why a large percentage of the population decide not to become doctors or nurses.  The human body can be gross!  So, what did I do?  Called good ol' Kaiser Permanente and said, "No can do" and "Find me a nurse who can" and surprise, surprise, they did.  Another reason I love Kaiser... Aunt Betty, our family nurse (yes, she's a real nurse), said many insurance companies won't approve visits by a nurse or to a doctor's office to clean wounds if there is an able-bodied adult in the household who can do it.  That's nuts.  In my case, if this infection doesn't go away, the expander and alloderm have to be removed.  No implant for me.  I'll be left with a lump for the rest of my life.  I would say the stakes are pretty high for me, and a trained professional should be the one trying to help me save my boob.  What about someone trying to save a leg?  At least I can stuff one of Erik's socks in my bra for the next 60 years.  There's no hiding a missing leg.  Enough ranting...

It's been a hell of a week, and my sleep schedule is completely out of whack.  I took a 4 hour nap this afternoon, and I'm wide awake at 2:00AM.  I am tired, but I can't get comfortable to sleep.  Between muscle spasms, fever, chills, infection, and plain ol' pain, my body has had enough.  I'm on enough medication to finance Charlotte's education via the black market, but nothing is helping right now.  Speaking of medication...

I'm on the antibiotic, Augmentin, and of course, I have a visualization for the fight between the bacteria and and the Augmentin.  The drug is supposed to clean out the bacteria, right?  So, I visualize it as a team of maids, in French maid outfits, with feather dusters.  Only the dusters shoot lasers.  They wander around my boob, cleaning as the go, and when they find a bacteria blob, they shoot it with their laser-duster.  Not only does this visualization help me feel like I have power in this fight, it makes me laugh.  I told you...too many medications in my system...

The nurse who cleaned my wound last night in the after hours clinic told me I need to find things to make me laugh to help me get through this whole ordeal.  Between Charlotte, Erik, my family, my friends, and my own imagination, there's plenty of laughter ringing through my life.  ;-)

One step forward, two steps back

My recovery was going well for the better part of two weeks.  The first few days after surgery are a painful blur, but the pain lessened each day.  Last week, I was able to get out of the house and have lunch with friends.  And then it was Thursday night.  I developed severe muscle spasms in my neck and back, and Friday night I was in the after hours Kaiser clinic to get relief.  The initial relief came from the biggest needle I've seen in a long time (and I've seen many needles recently!).  I didn't care...the pain killer in that shot was wonderful.  By the time I left Kaiser, I didn't feel anything.  The next couple days were spent in a haze of muscle relaxers and Percoset.  I can see how people become addicted to them.  They put you in a calm other-worldly state.  Anyway, I digress...

The muscle pain went away, but then I never regained my energy.  Tuesday evening, I started to feel weak.  I didn't think much of it due to the amount of medication I was on.  I figured the drugs hadn't left my system yet.  I also started to feel much more pain in my breast, which I thought was odd given how well I felt last week.  Long story short- I have a significant infection in my breast.  I'm on antibiotics and have to flush the wound with peroxide and saline.  If the pain doesn't decrease by tomorrow morning, I go back on the table to have the expander and alloderm removed.  That means I can't receive an implant to match my remaining breast.  I may be able to receive an implant at a later date, but it will be small.

Part of me wants to get the expander and alloderm removed NOW.  I don't like the idea of having this kind of infection, and the damn thing hurts!  The other, more rational, part of me says to remain calm and try to save it.  If the expander and alloderm remain in my breast, I can get the implant in a year or so, and I will look normal.  Hence, I will feel more normal. <sigh>  Basically, I have to do what the doctor tells me and ride it out.  What will be, will be.

Whenever something like this happens, I make myself think about the good things going on right now.   Charlotte is with her grandma, pop, cousins, and aunts having a wonderful time and being spoiled.  :-)  Bea is laying at my feet looking oh so cute as she sleeps.  The sun is shining brightly today, and I'm in the air conditioning.  The heat will subside eventually, and I'll sit on my deck with a great book given to me by a friend. Erik was there for me yet again this morning keeping me positive and giving me a hand to hold.  <another sigh>  Things will get better.  

The bubble is secure.

I'm over my oncologist.  When I saw my surgeon  last week, he was much more positive.  No, it's not good that I still had cancer in my lymph nodes, but cancer was only in 2 out of 7 nodes (not 7 out of 7).

So, where am I now?  I'm still dealing with one disgusting drain that keeps pumping like an oil well.  Once that is removed, I'll feel more human.  I did wear a regular bra today instead of the giant post-op harness I had been wearing.  Oh, the simple pleasures of life.  :-)  I'll harness back up when I sleep tonight.  It's just easier. 

I'm starting to get used to seeing my post-op self.  It was a huge shock the first time I looked in the mirror.  It was the first time I cried since the week I was diagnosed.  I knew I wouldn't look pleasant, but you really don't know what it's like until you see it.  Plus, I've never had surgery where I could see the effect (wisdom don't count here).  I know in a year I will look much more normal.  It's just hard to see right now.  Each day makes everything better.

I'm over this and ready to get back to normal.  I'm more than a little tired of being home, and it's not comfortable to sleep.  This has led me to doing too much and becoming exhausted.  I'm going to take the next few days to recuperate.

At the moment, Charlotte is in her crib singing the "Happy Birthday" song to my sister-in-law's dog instead of sleeping.  She is definitely our daughter...night owl!  "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Sam-Sam, happy birthday to you!"  Ha ha ha ha!

And the bubble goes POP!

I was very happy on Monday with the pathology report.  Then I made the mistake of emailing my oncologist.  I told her how happy I was with the report, and then I asked a couple questions about it.  Unfortunately, she hadn't received the report yet, and I think she was peeved that I had seen it first.  She told me it didn't matter that the tumor in my breast was gone, and it was not good news that cancer was found in two of the seven lymph nodes.  What the hell?  I was shocked.  And, of course, it was like midnight when I looked at the email, which didn't help at all.  I was up most of the night up thinking about it.  I've come to the conclusion that there was some "stuff" under her comments, and I'm not going to let it set me back.  I'm going see my surgeon, Dr. Phil, tomorrow, and I know he'll give me the information without any baggage.  Tune in tomorrow for more info.

Back to a first down!

So here I sit, upright and conscious, in my sunny family room.  Bea Dog is at my feet, and Erik is working in the dining room.  I just sat down from a 20 minute walk.  Not so bad for being four days out of surgery, huh?

I went to Holy Cross Hospital Friday morning at O'Damn Dark Hundred (6:00AM to early risers).  Everyone was so nice and pleasant.  I guess they can't help being nice to a 41 year old woman about to have her left boob chopped off.  LOL!  Seriously, all the medical staff I've encountered during this entire ordeal have been pleasant.  The prep nurses ask a million questions, the most odd (to me) is whether I've been mentally or physically abused by a partner or caregiver.  I usually chuckle at that one because it's inconceivable to me.  Anyway...I overheard another nurse asking a woman, who had come in alone, the same question, and she said, "yes."  I was astounded.  I couldn't get her response out of my head.  Soon after I woke up from surgery, I asked my nurse what help that woman would receive.  I prayed and asked Him to walk with her and protect her.  I know it happens to many woman. Somehow, in my emotionally compromised state, it hit me hard.  Basically, that was the hardest part of surgery...it still bugs me.  Anyway...

As their about to wheel me away, the anesthesiologist put something in my IV to help me relax.  Oh yeah!  I remember rolling by my surgeon and the other staff as they were scrubbing up, and I blabbed something like, "Don't screw this up dudes!"  They rolled me into a frigid operating theater (germs hate the cold and so do I).  I remember looking up at the lights thinking how cool the shapes were - like art.  I saw an oxygen mask come down over my face, and I was out.

I woke up from surgery feeling like I was hit both ways by the round trip Express bus from Discomfort to Pain.  I think my eyelashes even hurt.  I wasn't nauseous, but...well...you can imagine.  Not pleasant.  Erik, Marjo (his mom), and Aunt Betty were there.  And that's about all I remember from the first 24 hours.  I know my lovely cousin Melanie came to see me, and I send my apologies to her for anything wacky/inappropriate I said during her visit.  And, oh yeah, for also throwing up in front of her.  Sorry, Mel!

I had a decent nurse when I was placed in my room, but Maria, my overnight nurse, was terrific.  Don't get me started on the third nurse.  Of course, the best nurse of all was Aunt Betty (who is actually a nurse) who stayed with Erik and I for a couple days.  She and Erik made sure I took my meds, gave myself me shot of blood thinner in my stomach (ugh!), and took care of my drains.  Oh, the drains...for any Star Trek fans out there...I look like the Borg Queen before she's placed in her body.  The only difference is the tubes are all on my left side.  I guess I also have a bit more hair now than she did.  LOL!

Back to the present...

I had an appointment this morning with the surgeon's physician's assistant.  Excellent clinician.  She removed one of the three drains, looked at my mangled left chest (which actually doesn't look like the bad horror film makeup job I thought it would), and pronounced me in good shape.  No problems with the surgery sites.  I have numbness in my arm and hand and crazy charlie horses all around my body, but otherwise I'm a-OK. 

I also received the pathology report from the surgery.  I had no sign of a tumor in my breast - all GONE!  My Fightin' Women did their jobs there!  Seven lymph nodes were removed from under my arm, and two still showed signs of cancer.  However, there was no sign of cancer in the fat tissue around the nodes, which is very good.  Most likely there was no movement to any other part of my body and a significant decrease in size of what was left.  So, instead being an A+ patient, I'm an A patient.  Se la vie.  ;-) 

Where to we go from here?  Forward!  I actually feel like a human being again today.  Erik and I stopped for lunch on our way home from the doc, and I walked outside for about 20 minutes when we returned home.  Feeling much better.  I've decreased my pain meds from two Percoset ever four hours to one Percoset and one Tylenol every six to eight hours.  I've also had a little ibuprofen here and there for muscle aches.  My body unconsciously tenses my shoulder and back muscles with pain.  But I don't have much pain anymore.  And I have had THE wackiest dreams...Jennifer - You and Andre now skydive as a regular means of transportation, and a colleague in the Florida Keys rescued me from a pink, 1970s, Hello Kitty tricked out van.  OMG!  Hysterical!

Thanks to everyone for the love and support and flowers and food and shopping spree and help you give!  Thanks to my wonderful husband (Everyone needs an Edgar.) who constantly reminds me that it is what it is, and we'll come out just fine on the other side.  Thanks for my wonderful family who have swept Charlotte up in their love and care so Erik and I could focus on getting through this.

And why "Back to first down"?  The first drive down the field toward the goal was the chemo.  Made it through just fine.  The second first down drive was the surgery.  Made forward progress and just got the 10.  The third first down drive is the radiation.  The last drive will be the next 2-5 years.  Life, like football, is a game of inches.  As Al Pacino said, in Any Given Sunday, "On this team, we fight for that inch.  On this team, we tear ourselves, and everyone around us to pieces for that inch.  We CLAW with our finger nails for that inch.  Cause we know when we add up all those inches that's going to make the fucking difference
between WINNING and LOSING between LIVING and DYING."
Amen!

Al's speech www.youtube.com/watch?v=WO4tIrjBDkk