Jane, my wonderful oncology nurse, called me today. She usually calls the day before my chemo appointment to tell me how wonderful my "numbers" are from my blood test and to remind me to show up on time for chemo. Today, she said my white blood count was very low, and I would have to wait a week for my last chemo session. Oddly, I'm disappointed.
Why am I disappointed, you ask? Because my otherwise perfect recovery is now tainted, and I am, once again, reminded I'm not Wonder Woman. I wish I knew why I have this drive to be perfect at everything. And why on Earth do I feel the need to be the perfect cancer patient. And what the hell does that even mean? I have cancer for Pete's sake! (Who IS Pete anyway?) I should be happy I haven't spend the last 14 weeks puking up my guts. And don't get me wrong, I'm very happy and grateful about how I've fared in the whole process and the wonderful support I've received. I just can't wrap my head around this feeling. Crazy!
Today a group of my favorite people at work threw a "Congratulations! Tomorrow is your last day of chemo" party for me. It was wonderful!!! As I told my boss, it's my first ever surprise party. Even with all the hints I had, I still didn't have a clue my budget meeting was going to consist of great people, fabulous cupcakes, pink and white M&Ms, and presents. You think I would have figured something was up when I saw "Harrison, et al re: Budget" on my boss's calendar and was told, "It must be another Harrison" by one person and "It must be a mistake. His calendar says, 'Hold' at that time" by another person. I'm the only Harrison I know who hits him up for money. LOL! Didn't even phase me. Jennifer, you can thank my chemo brain. That and knowing how ahead of the game you are on stuff made me not even think twice about an early budget meeting. ;-)
And so, after writing the previous paragraph, I have to laugh at the one before it. I have such wonderful people in my life who like me just the way I am and don't expect me to walk into work sporting a weird semi-bikini outfit, blue cape and boots, and a star tiara. I do like Wonder Woman's bullet-repelling bracelets, however, and may have to snag a pair of those to go with my work uniform of turtlenecks and plaid pants. ;-)
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
Where are they now?
So, where is that damned tumor and those infected lymph nodes now? Not anywhere anyone can feel. Woo hoo! I'm sure there is something there, but I'll need scans to find it. Much better than the big-ass "stuff" that was there before.
Seven chemo treatments down and 1 more to go. These 13 weeks have certainly passed quickly. I tell ya', even with all my positive thinking, eight chemo treatments seemed like a helluva lot to go through in the beginning. Time has been reduced to two week increments and "good" days and "bad" days. For the first time in my life, I'm taking things one day at a time - definitely a weird paradigm shift. No more wishing it was tomorrow, or two weeks from now, or vacation time, or Christmas, or whatever. Waking up today is enough.
The second chemo "medicine" is treating me fairly well except for the joint and muscle pain I have for a couple days afterward. I've graduated to Tylenol 3+codeine to manage it. The last time I took anything that strong I was 16 and had 4 wisdom teeth pulled. I was also skin and bones and immobilized by one tablet. LOL! I'm also dealing with some neuropathy (numbness) in my feet. However, I don't plan to walk on any hot coals anytime soon. :-)
There are still plenty of days when I feel like hell. There. I've said it...admitted it "out loud." The days I'm in pain are easy to see, but the other days I keep hidden from everyone. Anyone who has dealt with a life threatening condition knows what I mean. It's a deep, deep feeling you can't even share with your significant other or your best friends. You've looked on the other side, and it stays with you. I now know what my mom and dad dealt with when they were sick. I don't feel sorry for myself. I do continue to kick myself for thinking it could never happen to me. How could I have been so arrogant? I totally let this one sideswipe me. I'm generally not a person who gets mired in regret, but this is going to sit with me for a while.
I've watched a lot of TV lately, and I've seen Matt Lauer ask Michael Douglas how cancer has changed him. Every time I see it, I ask myself the same question. It's too early to tell, really. I feel differently about a few things, but I'm not sure if those will stick with me over time. I did start to get spun up about something work-related on Friday, and I told myself to stop being stupid. It worked. First time ever. I was the queen of making mountains out of mole hills and obsessing over crap. Boggles my mind now.
OK - I'm done philosophizing. ;-) Talk to y'all real soon.
P.S. I just ran spell check on this post, and the only word caught in the first paragraph was the "hoo" of "woo hoo." Why "hoo?" Why not "woo" too? Is "woo" a word, but "hoo" isn't? I feel like I'm in a Dr. Seuss book...
Seven chemo treatments down and 1 more to go. These 13 weeks have certainly passed quickly. I tell ya', even with all my positive thinking, eight chemo treatments seemed like a helluva lot to go through in the beginning. Time has been reduced to two week increments and "good" days and "bad" days. For the first time in my life, I'm taking things one day at a time - definitely a weird paradigm shift. No more wishing it was tomorrow, or two weeks from now, or vacation time, or Christmas, or whatever. Waking up today is enough.
The second chemo "medicine" is treating me fairly well except for the joint and muscle pain I have for a couple days afterward. I've graduated to Tylenol 3+codeine to manage it. The last time I took anything that strong I was 16 and had 4 wisdom teeth pulled. I was also skin and bones and immobilized by one tablet. LOL! I'm also dealing with some neuropathy (numbness) in my feet. However, I don't plan to walk on any hot coals anytime soon. :-)
There are still plenty of days when I feel like hell. There. I've said it...admitted it "out loud." The days I'm in pain are easy to see, but the other days I keep hidden from everyone. Anyone who has dealt with a life threatening condition knows what I mean. It's a deep, deep feeling you can't even share with your significant other or your best friends. You've looked on the other side, and it stays with you. I now know what my mom and dad dealt with when they were sick. I don't feel sorry for myself. I do continue to kick myself for thinking it could never happen to me. How could I have been so arrogant? I totally let this one sideswipe me. I'm generally not a person who gets mired in regret, but this is going to sit with me for a while.
I've watched a lot of TV lately, and I've seen Matt Lauer ask Michael Douglas how cancer has changed him. Every time I see it, I ask myself the same question. It's too early to tell, really. I feel differently about a few things, but I'm not sure if those will stick with me over time. I did start to get spun up about something work-related on Friday, and I told myself to stop being stupid. It worked. First time ever. I was the queen of making mountains out of mole hills and obsessing over crap. Boggles my mind now.
OK - I'm done philosophizing. ;-) Talk to y'all real soon.
P.S. I just ran spell check on this post, and the only word caught in the first paragraph was the "hoo" of "woo hoo." Why "hoo?" Why not "woo" too? Is "woo" a word, but "hoo" isn't? I feel like I'm in a Dr. Seuss book...
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