In a holding pattern

So, far, it does look like I'm beating the "low to medium" odds of keeping the expander.  My doc seems fairly surprised, actually.  I have one stubborn spot on the incision line that is healing slowly, but at least it's healing.  Every time time I see the doc, he says "Monday (or Thursday, depending on the day of the week) will be the deciding day."  That mantra has seen me through one Monday and two Thursdays so far.  Ha ha ha!  At least he hasn't thrown me in the hospital yet.
I have to wait until the incision is completely healed before the doc can start expanding my boob.  I can't wait to see how he does it - I bet it's a riot!  I have a mental image of him vigorously pumping a bicycle pump up and down as my boob expands like a pool raft.  LOL!

Sometime after the expansion starts the radiation process.  But time is running out...we are supposed to leave for Hawaii (Kauai, exactly) on October 29th.  If we wait anymore than two weeks to start the expansion, our trip is history.  I thought I would finish the process in plenty of time to go to Hawaii.  Whaa, whaa, whaa (me crying like a baby)!!!

Other than going to the doc and taking care of my uncooperative boob, I've been spending a lot of time staring at the four walls.  I have gotten out of the house a little more this week (some shopping for Charlotte, a brief visit to the pool, lunch), and I've started some exercising again.  All I can do is walk and do the exercises to regain full use of my left arm.  I can't stretch it out completely above my head or down to the floor.  In reality, my whole body has become somewhat inflexible from laying and sitting around.  That kills me.  I hate having tight muscles.  I was no where near as flexible as I was as a teenager, but I was still doing ok pre-surgery.  I've also been spending lots of time with Charlotte.  :-)

And I'm not wearing my wig anymore.  I get some odd looks from people who don't realize short hair is back in style.  Really, it is.  I heard it on TV or read it on some inane website.  Hee hee hee.  I definitely have the salt and pepper look going.  My hair seems to be coming in much darker right now,with noticeable grey, and it's very soft like baby hair.  This is the first regrowth.  I've heard the hair often changes back to normal over time.  I actually like short hair, but I have a very small head.  It's not lumpy or oddly-shaped, but it's small for my body.  Maybe I just need to make my body smaller to match it.  :-)

Well, that didn't happen

What didn't happen?  I was a complete wuss and couldn't irrigate my wound.  I can give myself shots, but I can't clean out a gaping opening in my chest.  Imagine that?!  What are docs thinking, really?  There's a reason why a large percentage of the population decide not to become doctors or nurses.  The human body can be gross!  So, what did I do?  Called good ol' Kaiser Permanente and said, "No can do" and "Find me a nurse who can" and surprise, surprise, they did.  Another reason I love Kaiser... Aunt Betty, our family nurse (yes, she's a real nurse), said many insurance companies won't approve visits by a nurse or to a doctor's office to clean wounds if there is an able-bodied adult in the household who can do it.  That's nuts.  In my case, if this infection doesn't go away, the expander and alloderm have to be removed.  No implant for me.  I'll be left with a lump for the rest of my life.  I would say the stakes are pretty high for me, and a trained professional should be the one trying to help me save my boob.  What about someone trying to save a leg?  At least I can stuff one of Erik's socks in my bra for the next 60 years.  There's no hiding a missing leg.  Enough ranting...

It's been a hell of a week, and my sleep schedule is completely out of whack.  I took a 4 hour nap this afternoon, and I'm wide awake at 2:00AM.  I am tired, but I can't get comfortable to sleep.  Between muscle spasms, fever, chills, infection, and plain ol' pain, my body has had enough.  I'm on enough medication to finance Charlotte's education via the black market, but nothing is helping right now.  Speaking of medication...

I'm on the antibiotic, Augmentin, and of course, I have a visualization for the fight between the bacteria and and the Augmentin.  The drug is supposed to clean out the bacteria, right?  So, I visualize it as a team of maids, in French maid outfits, with feather dusters.  Only the dusters shoot lasers.  They wander around my boob, cleaning as the go, and when they find a bacteria blob, they shoot it with their laser-duster.  Not only does this visualization help me feel like I have power in this fight, it makes me laugh.  I told you...too many medications in my system...

The nurse who cleaned my wound last night in the after hours clinic told me I need to find things to make me laugh to help me get through this whole ordeal.  Between Charlotte, Erik, my family, my friends, and my own imagination, there's plenty of laughter ringing through my life.  ;-)

One step forward, two steps back

My recovery was going well for the better part of two weeks.  The first few days after surgery are a painful blur, but the pain lessened each day.  Last week, I was able to get out of the house and have lunch with friends.  And then it was Thursday night.  I developed severe muscle spasms in my neck and back, and Friday night I was in the after hours Kaiser clinic to get relief.  The initial relief came from the biggest needle I've seen in a long time (and I've seen many needles recently!).  I didn't care...the pain killer in that shot was wonderful.  By the time I left Kaiser, I didn't feel anything.  The next couple days were spent in a haze of muscle relaxers and Percoset.  I can see how people become addicted to them.  They put you in a calm other-worldly state.  Anyway, I digress...

The muscle pain went away, but then I never regained my energy.  Tuesday evening, I started to feel weak.  I didn't think much of it due to the amount of medication I was on.  I figured the drugs hadn't left my system yet.  I also started to feel much more pain in my breast, which I thought was odd given how well I felt last week.  Long story short- I have a significant infection in my breast.  I'm on antibiotics and have to flush the wound with peroxide and saline.  If the pain doesn't decrease by tomorrow morning, I go back on the table to have the expander and alloderm removed.  That means I can't receive an implant to match my remaining breast.  I may be able to receive an implant at a later date, but it will be small.

Part of me wants to get the expander and alloderm removed NOW.  I don't like the idea of having this kind of infection, and the damn thing hurts!  The other, more rational, part of me says to remain calm and try to save it.  If the expander and alloderm remain in my breast, I can get the implant in a year or so, and I will look normal.  Hence, I will feel more normal. <sigh>  Basically, I have to do what the doctor tells me and ride it out.  What will be, will be.

Whenever something like this happens, I make myself think about the good things going on right now.   Charlotte is with her grandma, pop, cousins, and aunts having a wonderful time and being spoiled.  :-)  Bea is laying at my feet looking oh so cute as she sleeps.  The sun is shining brightly today, and I'm in the air conditioning.  The heat will subside eventually, and I'll sit on my deck with a great book given to me by a friend. Erik was there for me yet again this morning keeping me positive and giving me a hand to hold.  <another sigh>  Things will get better.