My favorite poem

My mom gave this poem to me years and years ago, and it has hung over my desk at work ever since.

A PSALM OF LIFE

WHAT THE HEART OF THE YOUNG MAN
                    SAID TO THE PSALMIST

Tell me not, in mournful numbers,
        Life is but an empty dream! —
    For the soul is dead that slumbers,
        And things are not what they seem.

Life is real!  Life is earnest!
        And the grave is not its goal;
    Dust thou art, to dust returnest,
        Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
        Is our destined end or way;
    But to act, that each to-morrow
        Find us farther than to-day.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
        And our hearts, though stout and brave,
    Still, like muffled drums, are beating
        Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world's broad field of battle,
        In the bivouac of Life,
    Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
        Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no Future, howe'er pleasant!
        Let the dead Past bury its dead!
    Act,— act in the living Present!
        Heart within, and God o’erhead!

Lives of great men all remind us
        We can make our lives sublime,
    And, departing, leave behind us
        Footprints on the sands of time;

Footprints, that perhaps another,
        Sailing o'er life's solemn main,
    A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
        Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,
        With a heart for any fate;
    Still achieving, still pursuing,
        Learn to labor and to wait.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882)

Chemo Round 2 in the books

Thursday was my second chemo treatment, and I'm still feeling good.  The tiredness is creeping in slowly, which is to be expected.  I started the neupogen shots tonight, and they'll make me feel a little weird in a day or two.  They're to boost my white blood cell production.  Forgive me if I've said that before.  I don't go back and reread my posts.  Moving on to today and tomorrow...  ;-)

I did get some good news at the doctor's visit.  The tumor is smaller, the lymph nodes are smaller, and the texture of my breast is changing for the better.  Not so much of a spider web feeling.  Honestly, I'm not exactly sure what the last thing means, but the doc was happy, so I'm happy.  I'm not an "ignorance is bliss" kind of person, but in the case of my breast cancer, my brain only holds so much at a time.  Coping mechanism, I think.

So, now my hair is falling out.  It's weird and oddly liberating at the same time.  No $250 trips to the salon for cutting, highlighting, etc. for another year or so.  I'm saving all the money to take a fabulous trip.  Erik already booked our celebratory trip to Kauai for the end of October.  What a wonderful husband I have!

Anyway, back to the hair.  I recently read a couple articles about a treatment other women chemo warriors are doing where they freeze these head-shaped cold packs to this ungodly low temperature and then wear them all day long on the chemo day.  It does seem to save their hair.  But, really?  I hate the cold.  It's bad enough having to chew ice during chemo (to prevent mouth sores).  I would NEVER get warm again if I had to wear that head thing.  I understand the reasoning...you can't control a damn thing about this process.  Working to save your hair gives you some control.  But I do feel like I have control...I will decide when I shave my head (maybe tomorrow), and I picked out a fun wig.  If anyone reading this blog ever goes through this, heaven forbid, don't let your hair define you.  We spend tons of money altering our God-given hair anyway...spend another $350 on a wig, which your insurance will most likely reimburse, and get a no fuss new do

Getting back to the shrinking tumors, I strongly believe my visualizations help.  Erik talked a lot about visualization when he was swimming for A.U.  You visualize yourself going through the correct motions and winning.  I know my Body Ninjas, Celtic Chemo Gals, and Cherokee Healers are a bit hokey, but they help me put a face on the fight.  Those ladies are doing some serious battling and are winning.  It's like a video game/movie in my head.  Erik played a series of video games, Myst, with very awesome graphics and stories.  So my visualizations are a cross between Uma Thurman in Kill Bill, The Lord of the Rings, and the mystic healers from Myst in a kinda' graphic novel style, if that makes ANY sense at all.  ha ha ha!  Anyway, I close my eyes and visualize the battle.  I highly suggest visualization for anything.  It helped me to loose weight, precancer, too.  Lucky me, the anti-nausea meds can spur hunger.  On that note...I'll say good night.  Thanks to all who are following me on the journey.

No quote tonight.  However, just a reminder that the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure is coming up on Saturday, June 4.  I'll be there unless surgery interferes.  It's a 5K, but I'm walking.  This body is not going to be ready to run anywhere, I don't believe.  LOL.  I'll post the info for joining the team closer to the date.  There's also an option to "Sleep in for the Cure."  You pay the fee, and they send a t-shirt to you.  Genius idea, if you think about it.

Wiggin' Out

Well, not really.  I just thought it was a fun title for this posting.  :-)

Speaking of wigs...I went to Amy's of Denmark ( a unique name for a wig shop), and I actually purchased a wig.  I was only doing reconnaissance, but I found a cute one.  Completely different from my hair - it's stick straight with straight bangs.  Amy's mostly works with cancer patients, so they're very knowledgeable about the process of chemo hair loss.  If I'm going to loose my hair, it should start within the next week.  I say, "If" because I'm trying to stay positive.  Now, I'm not deluding myself...the vast majority of women loose their hair.  But maybe my good luck will continue.  Anyway, I had planned to try on lots of wigs and see what I looked like, but when I got there I just decided to do it.  If I do loose my hair, I have to go back to Amy's for them to shave my head and fit the wig again.  Maybe I'll take Erik with me and let him loose with the camera.  Ha ha!

I'm planning to go bald as much as possible...we'll see if I follow through on that.  It's been so friggin' cold outside!  Potentially serious brain freeze!  It's been a long time since I had short, short hair, and now I'm looking at no hair in the winter.  I was recently given a great bright pink ski cap and a gorgeous pink scarf that I will proudly wear.   Maybe I'll offer up my bald head to the Caps to rub for good luck.  ;-)

So, tomorrow is chemo round 2.  The Body Ninjas are getting Chemo Gal reinforcements, and the Healers are getting additional supplies.  I've been a little apprehensive about it - last time went well and I never felt really bad.  I guess I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Will I have a rougher time with this treatment?  I will answer that with a resounding, "NO!" 

Last time I went for treatment, I took a few things with me to feel strong: my original wedding band (Erik's given me several rings I wear as a wedding bands.), my mother's engagement ring, my dad's last watch, and my cowboy boots (my "shit kickers" LOL!).  Before I went, my dad's watch didn't run, and it hasn't run for years.  When I returned home from treatment, it was running.  It may mean absolutely nothing, but it's cool.  :-)  I'll be taking the same things with me tomorrow. 

Quote of the moment (thanks Stevie Nicks!): The clouds never expect it, when it rains, but the sea changes colours, but the sea does not change...

Whoops! Spoke too soon.

So...I was getting a little cocky and thinking, "I can handle this chemo thing" and then WHAM!  I was knocked cold on Tuesday - four days after the fact.  I couldn't move.  All I could do is roll over and go back to sleep.  I think I did manage to stuff my pie hole once, but that was it.  For those moms out there...you remember that whole body tired feeling you get when you're first pregnant?  Multiply that times 10.  Yep...that's it.  But...I made it to work yesterday and again today, so I think I'm doing fine.  Scraping the ice off the car today was tough.  Yikes - gotta get back on the treadmill!  I know it could be much worse.  It really just makes me laugh.  Just when you think you're holding it together, the universe throws a curve ball.  Keeps me humble, I guess.  ;-)  That and the seven pounds I've gained in a week.  Erik's going to have to bounce me to work like Violet Beauregarde in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

On a bright note, Charlotte learned to say, "Awesome!"  I have to record it and post it somewhere to share.  It's so darn cute!  She says it with such aplomb, like, "Yes!  I am the most awesome kid in the world!"  Thanks to the TV for teaching her that nugget.  LOL!  She's learning words like crazy, and her walking is getting much better.  Every day is truly and adventure.

Speaking of adventure...the NOAA parking garage in winter???!!  People are crazed.  I literally sat in my car, in line, for five minutes this morning because no one would move.  The cars were too close together for people to pull into spots, but they would not give them up.  Thanks to one wonderful soul, we finally moved.  Stuff like that used to get my undies in a bundle, but now I just laugh.  

Quote of the moment: I meant to post this some time ago - passed to me by a dear colleague - another wonderful Churchillism:  We shall draw from the heart of suffering itself the means of inspiration and survival.

Day 3 with the Celtic Chemo Gals and the Cherokees

I had my first chemo treatment on Thursday, and it went much better than I thought it would.  Supposedly, they get worse as you along, but at least I survived it.  One down, 7 more to go.  I felt fuzzy headed, tired, and had a headache.  Afterward, Erik and I went shopping at Target.  Nothing a little Target can't heal.  :-)  When we got home, I walked a couple miles on the treadmill, which helped too.

So, I felt good on Friday.  I could have gone to work, but the nurses all said to wait.  You never know when it will hit you, they said.  I logged another couple miles on the treadmill, and vegged the rest of the evning.

Now it's Saturday evening, and we're watching the Seahawks v. Saints.  Today was good.  Tired, but more or less fine.  Spent lots of time with Charlotte and did a tiny bit of cleaning.  Our wonderful friends just brought over dinner.  No wonder people gain weight when they have cancer - everyone wants to feed them!  I'm definitely NOT complaining.  LOL!  I would love to be at a friends' "Don't Let the Season End" party, but my social butterfly wings are at the cleaners today.

You're probably wondering about the Celtic Chemo Gals and Cherokees.  They have joined my Body Ninjas in the fight.  I'm Scots-Irish, with a touch of Native American, so I thought my new fighters should be Celts.  I start the injections tonight to force my white blood cells to produce, so those are my Cherokee Medicine Women.  It helps me visualize all the healing going on if I give the drugs and blood cells and all that good stuff an identity.  I sit quietly and feel the fight inside me.  I also visualize the healing when I'm working out.  Led Zepplin, .38 Special, and Jimmy Buffet have been the latest soundtrack.  Yes, you can dance to .38 Special, but it's nothing to take out in public.  :-)

So I'm off to eat a wonderful dinner and hang out on the couch watching a night of football.  Hopeful the other shoe doesn't drop tomorrow...

Body Ninjas, The Force, and Family

Last Thursday, the 30^th, I had my port installed at Holy Cross Hospital.  I love that place…good people watching of the American melting pot.  I could sit in the lobby and watch the visitors and patients all day.  It’s a good reminder that we’re all people, no matter the color of our skin or our income, and we all get sick.  Illness can be a great equalizer and coalescing force.

Anyway, the port the doc installed provides direct access to the bloodstream so the chemo drugs can get right to work.  My Body Ninjas, as I’ve nicknamed them, need all the help they can get.  They make up my immune system, and they’re already fighting the good fight against the cancer.  Funny the things you come up with when you’re faced with crap like this.  I was walking on the treadmill and needed to personify those little fighters.  Hence, the Body Ninjas were born around mile 3.

So, I start chemo the day after tomorrow, and the closer it gets, the more anxious I am.  Don’t get me wrong…I’m sooooo ready to start the fight.  I just don’t know if I’m ready for the way this is going to affect my family.  I know I can handle the side effects, but I just hate the fact it will impact Erik, Charlotte, and the rest of the Harrison/Stoltze clan.  They’re a tough bunch, but I hate to another stressor to their mix.  I tell them not to worry about me…I’ll be fine, which I will, but I know they do.  I also know without my wonderful husband, adorable daughter, and family I wouldn’t be able to have such a strong attitude.  My thanks to you all.

When I arrived at work this morning, I had a beautiful gift on my desk from a fellow cancer survivor (I already consider myself a survivor).  It moved me to tears – the timing was just right.  I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning.  I was exhausted and didn’t know why.  After a bit of contemplation, I realized it’s probably the stress of waiting for chemo to start.  Then a couple hours into the morning, I received a great book from another survivor.  It really is a sisterhood.  No one can understand it unless you’ve been there.  Although I’m holding it together, it’s such a comfort to know other women are there to prop me up if needed.  I’m going to call my survivor friends, The Force.  You know, in the tradition of “may the force be with you.”  Because it is truly the force of will that gets us through these difficult times.

Quote of the moment: Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway   -John Wayne

(I can't say I'm "scared" exactly, but you know what I mean).